Don’t waste it: The One That Got Away
Well, last night, he came back. Full force.
He told me everything I ever wanted to hear and hoped he had felt and things I never knew he had even thought of.
This boy is the one boy I’ve ever truly opened my heart up to and when I did, my greatest fear happened; I got hurt beyond repair….
He and I shared this attraction, this…passion…this connection that maybe only happens once in a lifetime. You’ve probably had one of those. The relationship that, even when it ends, it’s never really over? We both knew we were “meant to be” together but back then neither of us was mature enough to know how to navigate that kind of love and we were both terrified of the power we knew it had over us. And it definitely had power.
Even when we tried to walk away from each we couldn’t. We tried to destroy it and make it go away. I know that sounds horrible but people do it all the time. It’s when you meet a good person that you know could love you for life, but you don’t let it in for petty, regrettable reasons. Same thing.
Of all the crap we put our relationship through, over the years, its still held on and is alive and very well today.
There have been spans of months where I’ve told him to just go away. I like peace in my life and I always felt like we were both pushing and pulling against one another because we would not give in to our relationship and just let our hearts love one another. The friction created such a distraction from everything else that we literally became emotionally toxic to one another. So much so that I would often just walk away instead of staying and dealing with what was going on. Definitely the wrong thing to do. But I didn’t know how else to handle it. And I require so much of myself that I could not let these emotions get in the way of my goals.
But no matter how many times I walked away, he was always first in my heart. No matter how many boys I dated, no matter how much time passed, and no matter how much I try to block it out, my body knows…it knows. So for the first time in over a year, we sat down last night and just talked. We are recently off of a no communication sabbatical (dictated by me) and this time, I really intended to never see him again. I had finally accepted that no matter how strong our feelings are for one another we just can’t seem to get on the same page so forward movement simply had to occur.
The second night after I walked away from him this last time – this was about two months ago – I mourned our relationship in a way I had never experienced. I think it was just that I had finally decided to let it go and it hurt me so much that I actually cried in my sleep. Didn’t cry awake at all, but I remember waking in the middle of the night sobbing. So pathetic, right? It is. I know. But it’s real.
To know that that kind of love exists in the world but that so many of us trick ourselves out of the opportunity to capture it…my gosh. Our relationship was never about sex or money or taking from the other person. From day one we loved each other with no good reason for it. And even when we’ve been apart, there’s never been a moment that we could not reach one another or when we really left one another. Even when there were states between us.
Man, this is hard to write. Especially since I don’t know what I’m going to do. I think I know what I “should” do. But I’m so afraid. We’re both afraid and we’ve made that very clear to one another. We’d never fully done that before.
Before we got together last night I talked with a girlfriend of mine. I didn’t even know she had been in a similar situation. She said that she walked away from the man she loved and married a safe bet out of fear. Now she’s back with the man she loved (yay) but going through a divorce with the other guy and she and her real love have lost eight years of time they could have had together and now they’re too old to have kids. She told me that if he’s telling me I’m the one and I want it, don’t waste it. Don’t waste it.
That’s what I would say to you, girls. No matter what you’ve got facing you right now.
No matter what you’re debating or trying to get in order, don’t waste it. We tend to act like we’ve got all the time in the world to do the things we want to do. We rarely take a moment to recognize the high level of mortality in life.
You hear this all the time, but please hear every word of it right now: YOU DO NOT HAVE FOREVER.
This shit does end. And usually suddenly. Then it’s over.
If there’s something you want to do, do it. If you’re scared, screw it, do it anyway. If you do it with your whole heart from the beginning, even if it doesn’t work out, you won’t have any regrets and you’ll have learned something valuable. I think that’s the greatest “trick” in life; to live in a manner that creates the fewest regrets.
Don’t let an opportunity slip through your fingers when it’s something you know you’ve always wanted. Step up to the plate, and try. Take what you want. It’s sitting right there and if you don’t like it later, you CAN change your mind. But if you don’t take it now, who knows if it will be there tomorrow.
Take it, ladies.
Don’t waste it.